


force fed little world

by woahpip



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Character Study, Drabble, F/M, Kanera Week, coming back to the Force, day 1: stolen moments / making each other laugh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26211988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woahpip/pseuds/woahpip
Summary: Kanan meditates on opening up.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27
Collections: Kanera Week 2020





	force fed little world

**Author's Note:**

> so this was written when the prompts were a little less specific...I had it written with laughter/joy in mind (though it doesn't really fit that either!!). part of me thought about leaving it for the vulnerability prompt, but i wanted to post it today so here it is!
> 
> no beta, everything's on me.

To _feel_ anything  
deranges you. To be seen  
_feeling_ anything strips you  
naked.

-Anne Carson, from Red Doc>

Opening himself back up to the Force was a _full_ experience.Kanan thought back to his Jedi training. He didn’t realize then how fucking difficult it was to try and have no feelings when The Force makes you feel everything 1000 time stronger.

He didn’t know if he’d keep the gate open. No one had ever asked him if he wanted this.

But meditation lately had been urging him to let go again…to try.

Tonight he’s outside Ghost, cross-legged in the grass. They landed for a few hours to give Hera a chance for repairs before their next hyperspace route.He closed his eyes and centered himself. Around Kanan are the noises of _outside,_ crickets spouting their luck, rustling leaves, the far away trickle of a stream. Fainter are the inside noises. Hera cursed and he heard metal clatter as she swapped tools. Chopper warbled to her and laughter explodes into the quiet he was beginning to carve out.

It was okay. She could invade meditation. She’d already pushed her way into every other part of his life.

Once settled, he looks for the Force. It’s everywhere but he looks for his opening. He wants to wade. Wants to bide his time and see what comes up.

It takes him to the stream. Somewhere there’s a deer lapping at the surface, content and safe for the time being. He focuses on it. He feels the fly settled on the deer’s back, close to end of it’s lifespan, coming back to the Force.

Kanan jerked and his thoughts leave the animal. He didn’t want to open himself to death now.

He tried to resettle but he’s restless. His toes wiggled against the ground. He leaned out of his pose back onto his hands, palms digging intopebbles and dirt.

Inside Ghost, Hera’s humming, her tune up on the hyperdrive going much smoother. He’s heard her hums and has caught her singing pieces of verse, but she always stopped as soon as he entered the room. They never made a big deal about it, but she’d bite her lip like she did when she worried.

He wished she’d let him listen; he didn’t care if she wasn’t good at it.

He felt like a voyeur but he let himself listen, hums turning into words; the lines are soft but he realized she’s singing with her Ryloth accent. Something private then.

He focuses back to the deer, but he opened up too quick. The Force pours in and hits Kanan with the full weight of his feelings. No hiding.

Stay and maybe you’ll learn something…a voice floats over him. His heart constricts; it terrifies him that maybe a Jedi can…speak to him through the Force? More than likely it’s a dead one, and that makes it even worse.

“Kanan!! We’re done. Liftoft in about an hour. I’d like to get to beat the blockade we heard about,” Hera walked down the ramp, hands on her hips. “You okay? You look kinda sweaty.”

“Training,” he grunted.

“Oookay.”

He could tell she knew she was lying, but she was being kind and ignoring it. She reached a hand out to Kanan and helped haul him up. They walked back into the ship and he planned on how he could act normal from here on out. He didn’t think he could do it _and_ open himself with the Force.

“You wanna watch a little more of that holodrama before we leave?? I want to rewind to when she falls in the razor grass. It’s terrible but hilarious!”

He gets to hear the full volume of her laugh this time, clear as the water he’d sought out earlier. He smiled in spite of himself, and left the decisions about what was _okay_ to feel alone.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3333333
> 
> title is from arming of infants by trampled by turtles


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